5 Months
by OnexCrazyxOnna
Summary: Makoto has left Motoki. Find out what happed to make her leave and what happens the 5 months that the are apart through the eyes of her diary. AU Goes along with '5 Women'.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Sailor Moon or any songs I might use a line from while writing this story.

**A/N:** This goes along with my one-shot '_5 Women_'. This is Makoto's point of view and written as diary entries. I guess with the way I'm doing these, it does not matter which you read first. This will have two parts and if you find this before I have the second part up, you might want to read Motoki's part first.

All characters are very OOC. This is an AU and they are just normal humans.

Since this is very AU and characters are very OOC, I do plan to write something Makoto related that is closer to '_could have happened in the series_', kind of thing. So keep an eye out if that is more of your thing.

I hope that you enjoy this. I would appreciate it if you would leave reviews. Even if it's to tell me that you do not like what you see here. It will help me for other stories.

Happy Reading!

**:**

March 10th

Dear Diary,

It has been awhile since I have written to you. I'm sorry, but things have been more than a little hectic…

I left Motoki.

It has been over a week now. I have been staying with my friends Haruka Tenoh and Michiru Kaioh. They were so kind as to invite me to stay with them in their lovely home. I have only known them a short while and yet, they welcomed me with open arms. Well, actually, I knew Haruka better than Michiru.

Haruka and I met at a motocross race back in January. Motoki does not enjoy the sport much, but I had won two free tickets to go and a VIP pass to spend some time with the winner. So, we went. Haruka was the only female racer and ended up being the winner. She seemed to enjoy our company. She said that her girlfriend, Michiru, was out of town and would not be back for another week. She was lonely without her around and did not have many friends since they were new in town.

Over the next week, Haruka and I became fast friends. I felt a little bad because I was not spending as much time with Motoki as I usually did. I was afraid that he might get jealous. Haruka is very attractive and she was not shy in pointing out that she thought that I was beautiful as well. She never made me feel uncomfortable in any way and never made any advances, she just stated what she thought to be true and I believe she enjoyed my blushes.

As much as Motoki would tell me that I was beautiful, it seemed to mean more coming from a fellow woman. A woman who was more beautiful than any one I have ever seen before. I have never been afraid to find the beauty in others, man or woman, but I have never been attracted to a woman before, nor am I now.

Once Michiru returned home, I was stunned. She was so stunning with her unusually colored hair of a dark sea green and eyes as blue as the ocean. She was very kind to me and would giggle at Haruka and me when Haruka would make me blush. She would state that Haruka would do that with all the girls she found attractive, but she was not worried. She said that Haruka might flirt with others, but that was all and at the end of the day, she was the one Haruka kisses goodnight.

I enjoyed the times that the three (or even four, because Motoki would sometimes join us) had together, but I always seemed to end up talking with Haruka. Motoki and Michiru seemed to get along well. They both are not big into sport and Haruka and I are. She does not only race, but she also used to take karate. I, myself have been taking it since I was a little girl. When Haruka and I went off into our own little world of sports and other things that the two of us enjoyed, Michiru and Motoki would be left to fend for themselves.

I found myself forgetting dates with Motoki and just not as committed to our relationship. I felt guilty. I was not cheating on him, I was not lying to him and I was not having thoughts of leaving him, but I still felt bad. I loved him. I still love him. I just felt as if I was drifting away and could not find a way back to him. I love him and yet I was treating him like he was just a friend. I could not sleep at night, because I would watch him. He was so lost in his happy world, that he did not realize that I was no longer in it.

Maybe he was just ignoring that fact.

Motoki acted as if things were the same as they had been. I tried to talk to him more than once, but every time I looked into his loving green eyes, I would lose my nerve. I had become someone that I despised. I could not even tell the man I loved that I was having problems and that our relationship might end.

It did end.

I ended up doing the one thing I told myself I would never do… I left. I just left. I did not leave a note or anything. One weekend he went to visit his sister and I asked Haruka if she would help me pack my things, put them into storage, and then take me to a hotel. She would not hear of such a thing. She did not know why I was leaving Motoki, but she did not want me to stay in a hotel.

I have been living with her and Michiru since.

I have been saving up some money and with what I have in savings (I was saving up for if Motoki ever asked me to marry him and we decided to start a family), I want to look for a house. I want some place I can call my own. Maybe get a cat or two. I want to have a place that is mine and a place I can go when I just need to get away and think. A place where I can have a big garden in the back yard and a big kitchen to continue furthering my cooking skills.

I hope that I will be able to write to you again soon. I know that it had been so long since I had written anything to you. Maybe next month I will have something better in my life to tell you.

Thanks for listening,  
>Makoto<p>

**:**

April 10th

Dear Diary,

I told myself that I would write to you again before a month had past, well, my month is up. To say that things have gotten better… would be a lie…

A lot can happen in a month.

I realized that I was happy staying with Haruka and Michiru. Happier then I can ever remember being. I still love Motoki and I think about him often. I feel bad for how I left and even worse for being happy. I know that I should not feel bad for being happy, but I know Motoki has to either be hurting or angry. Maybe even both. I would not blame him. If someone left me the way that I left him, I would most likely cry my eyes out and then kick their asses. Or at least think about it.

Michiru went off on another one of her trips if the Classical Orchestra that she plays with from time to time. Haruka goes with her when she can, but she has been spending a lot of time trying to get into this race that has only ever allowed men to drive. She figures she can get in even without getting any lawyers involved with a sex discrimination suit. Haruka might seem like just a pretty flirt who like to race to some, but she is really bright and also very strong. She can be very intimidating when she wants to be.

Michiru has been gone for four days now and will be gone another four. She seemed a little upset when she left. She was looking forward to some alone time with Haruka. I have been with them for over a month now and I think I might be overstaying my welcome. Michiru has not said anything to me, but I can tell that something is bothering her. She is usually very polite, but as of late, she has been a little distant towards me.

I think I might be cutting into her and Haruka's alone time. Haruka is a good friend and she has even become my best friend. I would like to think that I might have even become hers. Whenever we are both home, Haruka does not seem to allow me to be alone much. I think she realized that the rain tends to make me sad. With all of these April showers we have been having, it seems like it is always raining and Haruka is always by my side. I'm afraid that this might be why Michiru is upset. I feel as if I am a home wrecker. I don't want that to happen.

Because of all of this, I have doubled my efforts to find a home I can call my own.

Just today Haruka and I went to look at this beautiful two-story, two bedroom, two bath, stone front house at the end of town. I believe this is the perfect home for me, but the realtor said that I should sleep on it. She told me that many would buy a home when they first see it and then end up putting it back on the market. The realtor told us that this seemed to be the perfect home for Haruka and me. She seemed to think that we were looking for a home for the both of us, because we were a couple. I knew Haruka loved that. I could see that sparkle in her eyes that she gets whenever she flirts with me. I tried to tell her otherwise, but Haruka beat me to it by putting her arm around me and saying that she was sure we could turn this house to a happy home.

I could feel my face growing red and I knew Haruka saw, because she tightened her hold on me. The realtor smiled sweetly and said something about young love and said that she would let us look around a little more and would be out front when we were done.

After she left, I turned to Haruka and smacked her (not too gently) on the arm. She only giggled when I turned my back to her. I was so furious! I swear you could see smoke coming out of my ears. I just started to walk towards the front door when Haruka placed her arms around me and held me from behind. She placed her chin on my shoulder and whispered that she was sorry. She said that she was just having fun, that she did not mean to make me upset and that she did not want me to be mad, not at her.

I found myself unable to move. No one has held me since I left Motoki. I still love him and I did not want to fool anyone of anything else. Why be with someone if I did not and could not love them? But this… It felt so nice to be held by someone… by Haruka… I just did not know that her holding me like she would Michiru would cause me to feel like I have been missing something since I left Motoki.

Haruka soon let go and walked past me, she stopped looked over her shoulder and smiled. I shook my head and walked past her and out the door. On the way home we both acted as if nothing had happened and I'm not even sure if anything did.

Well, it's getting late. I hope that my next entry will be written from my new home.

Thanks for listening,  
>Makoto<p>

**:**

May 2nd

Dear Diary,

Well, I am writing you from my new home. I decided to buy the house that I told you about last time. It's very lovely. I still have a few things I need, but I have enough to make it feel really inviting. I have been able to buy a couch and TV, a new bed and dresser and I already had a few knickknacks that have given it a more homey feel. I have been able to plant a few flowers, but there is so much more I would like to do. I would even like to plant a few trees.

I have even been talking with a few of my neighbors. The houses are not really close together, but it's still nice to know who is living so close. Just in case you need them some day. They all seem so nice, older couples usually are. All three houses I have visited have been older couple at least in their 60s. One woman was even known for her pies nationally. She was in papers and even on TV. I have read about her once when I was doing some research and wondered what happened. She just seemed to vanish one day. Here to find out, she did not like the spotlight and decided to move here where it is quiet and she could cook her pies for her friends and family.

She has given me one of her pies and I have given her one of mine. I had never tasted anything as good as her cherry pie and both her and her husband seemed to enjoy my blueberry one. I believe we will become good friends. I have visited her and her husband more than the others, but they all seem very nice.

It feels like I always start with good news, if I have any that is. It seems that the house is the only wonderful thing that has been happening as of late.

I had just started moving out when Michiru returned from her trip. Haruka had been helping me and she also joined in on the task at hand. Everything seemed to be going fine. It took only four days. That even includes the time we spent looking for things like the couch and smaller things like dishes. On the day that everything was done, Haruka suggested that the three of us stay at my new house and just sleep in the living room on the floor just like teenagers when they have sleep overs.

I thought that it was a wonderful idea and thought that it was a good way to start my new life on my own and without the help of my friends. Haruka and I started to make plans and figure out what all we were going to do and such when Michiru told us that she would have to decline. Haruka looked hurt. Haruka started to ask Michiru why she was not going to stay, but Michiru cut her off. She said that she just wanted to go home and sleep in her own bed since she was tired.

Michiru said goodbye and started to leave. Haruka looked to me and stared to leave as well. Michiru stopped and told Haruka that she could stay if she wanted, but something told me that she really did not want her to stay with me.

I don't remember seeing Haruka look so happy. She hugged Michiru, wished her a goodnight, and then grabbed my arm and pulled me into the kitchen and started to decide what we should do about food. I heard the door shut harder then was necessary and I cringed on the inside. It did not seem that Haruka noticed and I did not want to spoil her good mood.

Michiru was soon forgotten and Haruka and I had a wonderful time cooking, watching movies, and just talking about anything and everything.

We were up late, but I just could not seem to sleep, even after Haruka fell asleep during one of the action movies she had picked out. I started to think about everything that was going on with my life and the people around me. I thought of Haruka, my neighbors, Michiru, and even Motoki. It was then that I realized that I had not been thinking about him as much. I don't know if it was because I have been busy or maybe the guilt was dwindling. It was then that I realized I no longer felt as strongly for Motoki as I once did.

I still feel for him and almost wish that I did not leave, but then I think of my time with Haruka and I know that I would not take it back. I might do some things differently, but I would have still left. In a way, that makes me feel worse. I have thought about calling him or even going to see him, but I can't bring myself to do so. I hurt him, I just know it, and for me to have his forgiveness (because I know he will forgive me, he is just that nice) I could not live with myself. I don't deserve his kindness.

Moving on…

I still have not mentioned the biggest thing to happen. Michiru kicked Haruka out. Yep. The day that she went home after she spent the night at my place, Haruka found her stuff packed. All Haruka has told me so far was that Michiru knew that I would allow her to stay her and that she knew that this moment had been coming for a while now.

I hate to believe it, but I think that I might have been the reason. Even if I did not steal Haruka away in a romantic way, I have become her best friend and in a way, that is worse.

Haruka came back that evening and tried to talk to Michiru the next day. I could hear Michiru yelling on the phone and caught that Haruka would be happier with me and that she would be happier without us both. I felt sorry for Haruka. She and Michiru had been together for years. I felt awful. Haruka, on the other hand, did not seem that hurt. She was upset, but when Michiru had yelled at her, it seemed like she was okay with how things were.

Haruka and I have been sharing my master bedroom since she moved in. She has been looking for a bed and said that as soon as she found one she loved, she would allow me to spend lonely night by myself in my big king-sized bed. Haruka must be picky about her beds. It has been awhile and she still has not found one that she likes. It's not that it bothers me or that I think she would try something while I sleep, I just know how people like to have their own space.

Michiru did come over a couple of nights ago. She apologized to us both for how she had been acting and that she was sorry for how she kicked Haruka out. We all seem to be friends again, but I'm not sure how sturdy that friendship is.

I am in hopes that my next entry will have some happier news.

Thanks for listening,  
>Makoto<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Sailor Moon or any songs I might use a line from while writing this story.

**A/N:** I do hate that it has taken me so long to post this. I have no one to blame but myself. I have had this typed for some time now and just never got around to posting it. I do hope that those of you who have read the first part and have been waiting and were kind enough to come back to finish this, will enjoy. :)

All characters are very OOC. This is an AU and they are just normal humans.

This will be the last chapter for this part of the story about Makoto's love life. There will be a third installment that will bring everything from '_5 Women_' and '_5 Months_' to an end. I hope that you will stick around for that.

Happy Reading!

**:**

May 18th

Dear Diary,

Things have been going well. Haruka is still staying with me, she has moved into the extra room and things seem to be going well with Haruka and Michiru's friendship. It might just be me, but I think they might be closer as friends. Michiru has even come over a couple nights and had dinner with us. She even stayed for movies afterwords. I think Michiru and I are even closer now as well.

It's funny how some people can be closer as friends then they ever were as lovers.

Wow… It's funny how you don't think about something, or someone, until you are writing and thinking about something else.

I have not been thinking about Motoki, but as I was thinking about Haruka and Michiru, I began to think about how nice it would be to have that with Motoki.

I wonder if he has moved on. I hope he has. He deserves to be happy and I know that I can't make him as happy as he should be. Maybe I should call and see how he is doing. He did not like being alone. That was one of the reasons I fell so hard for him, I was actually making someone happy just by being there. I wonder if maybe someday I will make someone else happy.

I know I don't really deserve to be happy, not with the way I treated Motoki, but it's still a dream.

I still want to have a family and be a homemaker. I want to be able to cook and take care of my garden (which is coming along nicely). I'm not asking to be a super star or someone important to the world, I just want to be important to someone. Maybe a couple of people if I ever am blessed to have kids someday.

I need to stop thinking of all of these negative thoughts. It's not good for someone to think so negatively all of the time. That's how people get depressed. I don't want to be depressed. I want to be happy. I know I have made mistakes (who hasn't?) and I have regrets, but I want to look at the brighter side of life.

I spent yesterday with Haruna Sakurada. She is the older woman that I mentioned before, the one who was famous for her pies. She showed me a little secret that she says she never told anyone else before. She told me that it was handed down to her by her grandmother. She also said that she believed that the secret would die with her. Haruna said that she had never known someone that she felt she could trust enough and deserved to know this secret. I wish I could tell you want it is, but I would hate for someone to find this and her secret. No one likes a tattletale.

I plan on trying out what I have learned very soon. I will let you know if I am able to perfect it as Haruna Sakurada has.

Thanks for listening,  
>Makoto<p>

**:**

June 7th

Dear Diary,

I'm sorry that it has been a few weeks since I have last written.

I baked Haruka a pie using the new found information from Haruna. She just loved it. She said that she could tell that I had done something different. She said that the pie was amazing, but… She told me that she likes my old pies better. Haruka said that she could taste the love that I put into my pies, but this new one, it was all in the taste. She said that there was no feeling.

I could not help but smile. As soon as Haruka told me this, I went into the kitchen and baked her two pies just for her. I told her that if she gave any to anyone else, I would be hurt that she did not love my pies as much as I thought she did. I was joking, but she looked serious when she said that they would have to pry them from her cold dead fingers. I was flattered, but I did not like the thought of someone killing her for my pies.

I think that I'm just thinking too much about something that is a joke. I mean, I know she would not kill anyone. If she did, I know that it would not be for my pies.

I probably should tell you about what happened last night. It was raining, no, storming. It was really bad. I'm usually a sound sleeper, but last night I awoke to the sound of rain pounding on my window and thunder rolling in the night sky. I found myself panicking. I was frozen, just looking out the window. I have never liked the rain and with the thunder and lightning, I was terrified. I don't remember ever being that scared. I don't know how long I sat there clenching the sheet to my chest, but at some point, Haruka had snuck into my room and crawled into my bed. I did not even notice that I was no longer alone until she placed her arms around me and rocked me gently as she spoke softly into my ear.

I cannot recall what it is that she was telling me, but I do know that it calmed me down. I had calmed down enough that I could almost forget about the pounding of the rain and calm the pounding of my heart. Even if Haruka was speaking softly, she was still talking loud enough to block out most of the sound. I felt safe, safer than I have been since leaving Motoki. I'm not sure how long we sat there, but I could tell that the rain was slowing and the sky was beginning to lighten behind the pale pink lace curtains in my room.

I'm really not sure what lead up to it, or why it happened, but as I began to pull away from Haruka she moved her arms more securely around my shoulders and lower back. Before I could even register what had happened, she had pulled me close and kissed me.

Yes, Haruka Tenoh had kissed me. It was not aggressive, but yet it was definite. Sure. It was as if she had kissed me a million times before. She seemed to know just how I love to be kissed. I cannot lie, I enjoyed it immensely. After Haruka lessened her hold, yet not losing contact, I remember placing a shaky hand to my lips and just staring at her. I knew that I should have said something, but I had lost all of the confidence that I have ever had. I removed my hand from my mouth and grabbed my forgotten sheet with both hands. I pulled it up to my chin, covering the skimpy green tank top and boy short panties I had decided to wear because of the summer heat. I closed my eyes and turned my head away from the blonde that was still in my bed, but no longer touching me.

I think that I heard her sigh, but I'm not sure if I imagined it. I never heard her walk across the room, but the sound of the door shutting was unbelievably loud, even if she did not slam it.

It did not take me long start crying. I could have handled that situation so much better than I had. Between what had just happened, crying and being tired from a lack of sleep, I soon passed out. I normally get up no later than eight in the morning, but today I did not wake until after one. I felt so sluggish. I did not even want to get out of bad then, but I knew that I had to speak to Haruka and soon. The longer I waited to talk to her, the harder it will be on our friendship. That is if she still wants to be my friend. I would not blame her if she never wants to speak to me again.

I have done unforgivable things to Motoki and in response, I have lost him. I do not wish to loose Haruka as well. She means too much to me.

You, Diary, were the first thing I turned to when I got out of bed, well, I have not even got out of bed yet for I keep you in my bedside table and just had to stretch to reach you. I hope that I have good news for you soon.

Thanks for listening,  
>Makoto<p>

**:**

June 9th

Dear Diary,

Allow me to start where I left off last time. After I placed you back into my nightstand, I left to look for Haruka. I did not even bother to shower or dress first. I usually like to were a robe or more clothes when running around the house, but this day I left my room in the same reviling clothes I had worn to bed the night before. I first looked downstairs in all of the room and then I ventured upstairs to her room, I wanted to look there last just in case she may still be sleeping.

Once I arrived at her open door, I knew she was not in her room. Her bed was not made and the cobalt blue tank top on the floor was the same one I remembered her wearing the night before. I'm not sure if she had left not too long after leaving my room or if she had slept a few hours and then left. All I knew was that she was gone and I had no clue where she was.

My first thought was to call Michiru, but I did not think she would go there. I know that they have worked things out between them, but why would she return to her old lover when she had so blatantly been rejected by a possible new one. Not that I see myself as a possible lover for Haruka, but because I don't like other women the same way I like men, but she must have seen me in this light to even think about kissing me.

I had never thought anything about Haruka telling me I was beautiful and flirting with me. I just assumed she was a flirty type of person and she done those kind of things to many a person. I must have been wrong. Now thinking about it, I wonder if I might have missed signs that she might have been giving me. Sigh. I should probably ask her about this and maybe see if she will tell me how long she has had feelings towards me.

Moving on, I looked at all of the places I know she likes to go and some place Just because they were along the way. It was growing rather late and I still could not find her anywhere and she still had not returned home. I was afraid I was going to start panicking. I did not think she would be at Michiru's but I thought that she might be able to help me think of a place she might be.

To my surprise, when I called Michiru's apartment, Haruka was the one to answer the phone. She must have looked at the caller id and knew that I was calling. She sounded so tired and defeated. I had never heard her sound so vulnerable. It was scarring me to think that I might be the one to break the mighty Haruka Tenoh.

Before I was even able to tell her about me being sorry for how I had handled things between us, she told me that she wished she would have stayed home instead of coming over to Michiru's home. She said that the only reason she was still there was because she was afraid I would come looking for her and stop by Michiru's and miss her. I was not sure how to respond. I did not know if she wanted to be home because I was here or because she just did not want to be around Michiru at the moment. Wait, I just realized that she considers my home her home. Wow, I did not know that. I just assumed that this was a place to stay until she found something else. She has been helping me with bills and such, but I thought that that was just because she would feel bad for staying here rent free (even if I stayed with her and Michiru rent free, but in my defense I did try to pay them).

Anyways, after I thought for a moment I just told her that I would have coffee, tea and cheery pie waiting for her when she returned. She hung up without saying goodbye and was home quicker than I would think possible. Well, she does love speed and is a racer by trade. Once she was in the door, she gave me a tight hug and let me go quickly. I followed her into the kitchen and we had our late night treats. We did not go into great detail about what all has been going on between the two of us these past few months, but we did discuss last night. She said that she was sorry for crossing any boundaries, but she was not sorry for kissing me. She said that she had wanted to do that for a long time now and the only reason she had not, was because she was with Michiru at the time and she knew I did not like women the same way she does. She said that she did not want to push her values on me and that she understood if I was upset with her. She told me to yell at her or do something. As long as I forgive her, she would be happy. Haruka also told me that she did not care if I never returned her feeling, she might be able to find love someday, she just did not want to lose me. She wanted to stay my friend always and if some miracle happened so that she could also have my love, she would be ecstatic.

I thought about what she had just told me. I was thinking of how to answer when she said that I should get some sleep and that we would talk in the morning. We went to our respective rooms and I tried to get some sleep. I tossed and turned and I believe I might have slept for a couple of hours, but I could not find rest. I looked at the clock and saw that it was just before four in the morning. I decided to take a shower and get up for the day.

I found myself making a meatloaf in the kitchen at about five o'clock wearing an old pair of dark green sweatpants and a light purple t-shirt. I figured that I would get a head start on dinner since I was awake and it did not look like I would be going to sleep anytime soon. I was distracted by the food in front of me and did not notice when Haruka walked into the kitchen and sat at the table behind me. When I turned around I almost dropped the bowl that I had in my hands. I think I might need to get her a bell to wear around her neck or something, she has the bad habit or sneaking up on me. Anyways, I sat the bowl in the sink and then put the meatloaf into the frig. I sat a cup of coffee in front of her and took a cup for myself. I usually prefer tea, but I felt as if I was going to need the extra caffeine that the bitter liquid could offer.

Once I was settled in my seat and the silence began to grow thick around us, Haruka reached across the table and placed her hand onto mine. I look at our hands before I looked up to find her staring at me with a look that I don't ever remember her having. I was beginning to allow my mind to wonder if I had even known her as well as I thought I did. She had been surprising me more and more and doing things that I did not expect her to do.

What kind of friend am I?

I'm not sure what to do or think anymore. It seems when I'm around Haruka, I'm happy. I'm happier than I remember being for a long time. She is my best friend and I love her… I just don't know if I could be _in_ love with her. I have never found myself being attracted to women, but can still feel the feeling her kiss gave me. All I have to do is think about her lips touching mine. Even now, writing about it, I can feel chills going down my spine.

I know that I should talk to her about these feelings. I will never know how I can truly feel for her unless I talk to her and find out if I _can_ open my heart to her. Maybe I can allow her into my heart. I hope to have more of a grasp on these feelings by the time I write you again. Until then.

Thanks for listening,  
>Makoto<p>

**:**

June 26th

Dear Diary,

Haruka. I have been thinking about her quite a bit these last few days and I'm even more confused than I have been in a long time. When I talked to Haruka about my feelings for her and trying to see if she could give me any advice on if I could maybe love her in the way she seems to care for me. She told me that she could not tell me how to feel, that my heart would tell me who I love. Also, that no matter who I _think_ I should love, I should listen to my heart. That listening to my heart will be the only why for me to be truly happy and that it will happen in five minutes.

I have been playing our conversation over and over again in my head. It seems that sitting there in the kitchen after eating some cherry pie is the only thing I can think about. I remember the calmness I felt from just eating my favorite desert, the sense of being at ease while sharing this moment with the best friend I have at the moment (maybe even ever), and the site of the smile that Haruka had on her face after I told her that I thought there might be a chance that I could be in love with her.

When I dream I relive that moment in time. It's like I'm there again reliving that one moment.

I'm still not sure what to think or do.

Haruka still seems to be right at the front of my mind and I feel that she has a special place in my heart. How am I able to tell if this place is the same place that Motoki once took root. To tell the truth… I'm not even sure if Motoki ever left my heart…

I feel even more confused than I ever have. It's true that Haruka is in the front of my thoughts, but when I try and picture us together 20, 30, 60 years from now, I just can't.

I don't know if this is my sign that Haruka is not the one I should spend my years with or if this is just me being scarred that she might be the one I grow old with and will take care of when there is no one else who will.

I have to admit that writing all of this down is really starting to mess with my emotions. I feel as if I could start crying. I do think that I'm scarred. Scarred that I am someone that I did not even know I was. What if I do love Haruka and what to spend my life with her? That's not the person I have grown up as. I mean, I have always thought that love is love, no matter who it is between. If you love someone and treat them right, there is no one who should tell you that that love is wrong. All people should have the right to be happy with the one person they really love.

I never really knew why I felt so strongly about this. I never really had friends growing up that were in same-sex relations or in relations with people of different colors or religions, so why would I feel as if I should speak out for those who are in these types of relationships. Unless somewhere in my heart I knew that I was someone who would someday be in a relationship with someone that a lot of people would discriminate against me for.

I really need to evaluate my life and my thoughts. Maybe if I take some time for myself and get away from everyone for a few days, it will help me gather my thoughts and pull in all of these emotions that I just feel I need to let loose.

Until then.

Thanks for listening,  
>Makoto<p>

**:**

July 25th

Dear Diary,

I know that it has almost been a month, but I have a very good reason for why I have not wrote in so long…

I took some time and went away for a few days. I spent some time just thinking about what _I_ need and what _I_ want. I figured that that was the only way I would figure out what is best for me and Haruka. I thought that I knew what I would tell her when she returned home. You see, while I was gone, Haruka and Michiru also went away on a little trip. The two really missed the friendship that they had once had and thought that this would be a good way to keep their renewed friendship growing strong.

Well, I returned the day before Haruka was to come home. I looked through all of the mail that had piled up in the short time that we were away. I was shocked when I found a letter addressed to me with the return address of the one and only Motoki Furuhata.

Needless to say, I was more than a little surprised. I did not expect to ever hear from him after the way I had treated him. I also never thought that he would find me. It's not as if I was hiding from him, I just never thought that he would stumble across me path, unless I was the one doing the stumbling.

It took me almost three hours before I could bring myself to open the letter. It was longer than any of the notes and love letters that we use to randomly send each other when we first started dating. Motoki was never big on writing.

I'm not sure how many times I read through the letter or how many hours I spent just staring at the familiar strokes of his messy, yet legible, block letters. All I know is that Haruka found me sitting on the couch where I first opened the letter the night before.

Haruka had arrived early that morning. She told me later that she had missed me and wanted to return home to see how my trip had went and to tell me of hers with Michiru.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I did not even know that Haruka was there, not until she sat beside me with her side touching mine. At the warm contact and safe feeling of no longer being alone, I leaned into her and closed my eyes while showing her the letter.

She must have read it a couple of times as well. Either that or she was thinking about what to say. She told me that I should meet with him. She said that she knows what it's like to love someone as much as he loves me. I knew when I looked into her eyes just how much she did love me and it hurt. It hurt because I thought that when she came home I would welcome her with open arms, but the letter had caused all of these feelings that I had just put to rest to come back full force and I was no longer sure if I could give her my heart the way that she was wanting to give me hers.

She held me as I cried.

I cried like a baby and she held me like the best friend that she is. The way only a best friend can. I must have cried myself to sleep. I woke up in the late afternoon to find that she had been in the living room looking through old car magazines and the new one that had arrived while she was gone.

We talked some more and have been talking for the last week or so. She told me that I should write him back and let him know that I would see him. Haruka thought that it would be for the best. That if I talked with him I could finally find out if I still really do have feelings for him or if maybe it was just the fact that I needed closer with the way I had left.

So I wrote a letter:

_Motoki Furuhata,_

_I will make this short. I believe that it would be best that we did get together one day. How about Saturday, August 3. I'll be at the little ice-cream shop just down the road from your apartment at two o'clock._

_I feel that anything that needs to be said should be done in person and not in a letter, that is why this letter is so short._

_Makoto Kino_

I felt that it was best to not even say I was sorry in the letter. I want to do that in person. I'm not sure what is to come from this, but I'm sure that either way I will be breaking at least one heart… maybe three…

Thanks for listening,  
>Makoto<p> 


End file.
